A unique recovery programme created by one of the worlds leading on-line authorities on Narcissistic Abuse.
Narcissistic abuse was originally defined as a specific form of emotional abuse of children by narcissistic parents, more recently the term has been applied more broadly to refer to any abuse by a narcissist (someone that who admires their own attributes), in particular adult-to-adult relationships the abuse may be mental, physical, financial, spiritual or sexual. If you have been through an abusive relationship with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you will know that no one understands what you are going through unless they have personally experienced it. Melanie Tonia Evans was abused by her former husband for over five years, it almost took her to the point of no return, at her lowest point she had an epiphany that signified the birth of the Quanta Freedom Healing Technique. In this book you will learn how to: recognise if you are in an abusive relationship how to detach remove yourself from the narcissist's ability to affect or abuse you any more identify your subconscious programme, release it and replace it focus on healing yourself become empowered thrive and not just survive This revolutionary programme is designed to heal you from the inside out, its effectiveness has been proven by thousands of people worldwide.
|Product dimensions:||5.30(w) x 8.40(h) x 0.90(d)|
About the Author
Melanie Tonia Evans is a healer, author and radio host considered to be the world’s leading online authority on narcissistic abuse recovery. She is the founder of Quanta Freedom Healing (QFH) and the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP). Through her programmes Mel has helped thousands of people worldwide not just survive but to thrive. To find out more visit: melanietoniaevans.com
Read an Excerpt
HOW IT ALL BEGAN
Writing this book is very dear to my heart. In fact, this book represents my life – how my life nearly ended and how it has now become. At first I didn't realise that my story was so many other people's story. Initially I just thought I was trying to survive an isolated cataclysmic event in my life that was beyond the horrors of what I had ever known possible. It was only later that I discovered how many people had shared experiences similar to mine, and how many of us were silently in this together, feeling trapped, powerless, filled with shame, pain and fear and not having a clue about what we were really dealing with.
Like so many others globally, I have suffered narcissistic abuse, which means being abused by an individual who suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Such a person is pathologically self-absorbed, over-entitled and caught up in feelings and behaviours that most of us have never experienced, triggered by things that normal adults just don't get upset about. Relationships with these people are devastating and confusing; they strip their victims of their self-worth, personal rights and resources.
Sadly, narcissistic abuse exists in epidemic proportions. But until you have stepped out of what we think of as the usual struggles in life and heartbreak (which are challenging enough) into the literal bowels of hell with a narcissist, you can't possibly understand the levels of unspeakable confusion and trauma that this sort of abuse generates. And please know I am not saying this as a victim who wants to sensationalise her own life; I am simply saying what I and so many other people have discovered, which is how it feels to be pillaged, soul-raped, demonised and discarded by the very people that we have given our hearts and trust to. It's an experience that fractures one's soul and spirit.
I am very grateful to have been given the opportunity to write this book because help is desperately needed for those who have been narcissistically abused. What has been so sad and traumatic is that, until now, not only have there been no effective healing and other methods available to reform narcissists (mainly because they simply do not think there's anything wrong with themselves), there have been very few real healing resources for their victims. All too often, those who have been violated by narcissists are left suffering from significant trauma and diminished trust in themselves and others, alongside ongoing nervous-system disorders such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and agoraphobia, with their only hope being to attempt to manage these terrible conditions for life. Additionally, I see the insidious cycles of narcissistic abuse in families everywhere, where the trauma is passed on from generation to generation, setting up harmful patterns whereby the children of those who have been abused may become victims or even perpetrators themselves.
As a mother whose son suffered terribly from this form of abuse, and who almost lost his life in his struggle to heal, I know how vital it is for our healing systems to update adequately and change in ways that allow real healing to take place – with recovering adults leading the way. Healing from narcissistic abuse, helping others heal and passing on a healthy and whole way of being to our children has become a passion of mine. Even more than this, the mission to 'heal for real' has become my dharma – my life/love mission – which now lies at the core of the work I do.
This is how it all started: at thirty-five years of age I met someone who I believed was the perfect man for me. He was caring, attentive and attractive. And he was so supportive and spiritual. I fell in love – quickly, easily and completely, experiencing a 'soul-mate' connection that blew me away. So much so, I remember telling him one day, 'I'm so in love, I can't even see straight.' This was uncharacteristic for me; and what also surprised everyone I knew, was that within six weeks of meeting him I was engaged, and four months later I was having my dream wedding.
Everything seemed perfect, yet at times the hairs on the back of my neck would stand up. It would be caused by a comment or a look from him that just didn't feel right. Before long he was monopolising my time, wanting me all to himself. Even though this felt a little controlling, I took it as an expression of how much he loved me.
Then I discovered that his cancer condition – a melanoma for which he told me he'd had chemotherapy in the past and which was in remission – had become fully blown again. I was devastated for us both, but I loved this man so much I was fully committed to standing by his side and doing all I could to help him beat the disease. What I soon discovered was his jealous behaviour had become fully blown as well. Behaviour that previously felt uncomfortable escalated into unreasonable demands for me not to speak to or look at any other men, not being allowed to do my consulting work with male clients and his questioning my every move, or bursting into a rage if I was late home because I was so much as held up in a grocery line.
I put his behaviour down to what he was experiencing with his cancer, yet no matter how much I tried to love and support him, and to reassure him that I wasn't going anywhere, his jealousy intensified and became complete paranoia. I soon found I was recoiling from any man, and that I would look at the floor if I was with him anywhere in public, terrified that some other guy might look my way.
Months later, when I discovered that the entire so-called cancer was nothing more than a hoax ingeniously created by him to glean sympathy and attention, he was remorseful for only one day. Then, without cancer to hide behind, the control and abuse became worse. I didn't know it at that time, but he was punishing me for exposing him.
Other things started to come to light. Much of his past was a forgery; his self-proclaimed financial success bore no resemblance to the truth. I began to realise that his default position about anything was to lie. One lie would cover up the previous lie – and I started to lose my grip on what was real and what wasn't.
What made things even worse was that I had no idea initially just how hooked on and enmeshed to him I had become. By the time it was obvious that there was something terribly wrong, and that I was being significantly abused, smeared and isolated by him, I felt powerless to leave. All of our assets were combined and he was racking up debt. There were numerous impending court cases because of his deceitful business misconduct and crooked activities, and I was constantly trying to perform damage control to keep the roof above our heads.
Being in overdrive, trying to sort out the disasters and mess, kept me distracted from what was really happening to me: my soul and my ability to define my truth, rights or needs were being torn to shreds. So much about him that was not in alignment with my vision of him as Prince Charming came to light, and my adoration turned into criticism and contempt. That's when the violence started, verbally, physically and sexually – yet still I didn't leave. There was so much at stake, including everything I had worked my whole life to achieve before meeting him. I thought that was why I wasn't letting go, but as I discovered later, it was as if I was psychically possessed by him. Every aspect of my thoughts and feelings had been taken over by him. I felt like I didn't know how to breathe without him. There was also the threat of what he could do. He told me he had destroyed people's lives before, piece by piece, and if I tried to leave him he was more than capable of doing that to me too.
There were times over the next four years when my terror of staying became greater than my fear of leaving – and I would try to escape. But then he would stalk me and terrorise me, dismantling any structures I tried to create and attacking the people in my life, forcing me to return to him in a bid to stop him ripping my life completely to pieces. Or he would turn up, totally remorseful, and declare that he would do anything to save our marriage. Again and again I'd capitulate and go back. In amongst it all, I stubbornly held dear to the notion that I could fix and change this man.
Clearly, that was never going to go well. The cycle of violence only intensified. We would get back together and he would profess he'd do anything to change; and I would again forgive the unforgiveable acts he had committed, such as stealing my work computers and forging cheques on my bank accounts (the list goes on and on). Then the tension would build, the situation would explode and somehow I'd get away again, often fearing that if I didn't leave I would die.
Finally, I moved out into a rental property, but I was still hooked; I couldn't stop thinking or obsessing about him. He was living in the home I had paid for, renovating it and claiming it as his own. In spite of my horror at his behaviour, we still 'dated' occasionally, which led to unspeakably traumatic evenings. Some of these were so bad I actually have no conscious memory of them.
After another one of his 'I will do anything to save this marriage' bouts, I persuaded him to see a personality disorder specialist with me, who diagnosed him as suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Soon afterwards, he stopped going to the sessions and the specialist continued working with me, trying to help me leave him. The girl whose appointments were just before mine was pregnant by a narcissist, and told me his last three girlfriends had all committed suicide. I started to get a sense of how serious my situation was, especially when I was told by the specialist in no uncertain terms: 'These are your four options if you stay with him. Either he will kill you, you'll kill yourself, you'll have a psychotic breakdown or contract a horrible, possibly even terminal disease as a result of the stress.'
I asked her what happens when you have a psychotic breakdown. She told me about one of her clients who was taken away by a Crisis Assessment and Treatment Team (CATT) because she had thrown all her clothes out of the upper storey window of her apartment while shouting gibberish. This lady was still in institutionalised care some eighteen months later. 'It's a long way back from a breakdown,' my specialist said.
It was only a few weeks later that she told me how close she thought I was to having a breakdown myself. I weighed only 37 kilos (81 pounds), my hair was falling out in clumps and my PTSD was off the scale. I hadn't been able to eat or sleep properly for months, and I shook almost continuously. I was still meeting up with my husband like a drug addict, lying and making excuses about it because everyone was disgusted with me for still seeing him.
Not long after this, I was doing the catering for a workshop when a group of people arrived and started talking to me. I experienced the internal panic that had by now become my norm when engaging with people, especially men. The panic intensified and I realised that I was having a silent internal meltdown. There was nowhere to run, my exit was blocked by people. In the next moment, it was as if I was watching myself talking to people while looking down remotely from the ceiling. I knew something was horribly wrong, so I excused myself, walked to my car, and, in this relatively safe space, re-entered my body with a thud. But then the hallucinations continued in the form of horrific scenes of me smashing into a tree in my car – first of all in flickers, then as solid images that would not go away. Whether my eyes were closed or shut, it made no difference, and the feelings of dread and powerlessness that accompanied the experience were unspeakable. I knew this was it: my mind had finally snapped as I literally felt sanity dissolve away.
Somehow I drove home and called a girlfriend. I was rushed to an emergency medical centre, given a sedative and the images subsided. Tests revealed that I was suffering from an adrenal breakdown, where my body's adrenal glands could no longer cope with the amount of stress they were suffering. The accompanying psychotic breakdown was obvious. My options were explained: I was told I would probably need to take anti-psychotics for the rest of my life, as well as undergo close monitoring and possible institutionalisation depending on how I responded to the drugs. It could take up to three years' complete rest with ongoing psychiatry before I recovered and I would never again function as I had before the breakdown.
I felt like this was the end for me. I was no good with drugs; even paracetamol affected me badly. Additionally, I was forty years old and I had lost everything. I'd been wiped out financially; I'd lost credibility, family and friends; and now I was without the physical and mental health I needed to rebuild my life.
That night, while under suicide watch at home, I was lying on my bed contemplating how to kill myself, when a voice in my head said, 'No, there is another way.' I thought it was just part and parcel of my madness, and I argued with the voice, but it was persistent. In desperation, I got off the bed, walked into the bathroom and looked at the crazy, haunted, emaciated woman who stared back at me in the mirror. Then I crumpled on to the bathroom mat, tormented by the anguish of trying to live when I didn't believe there was any way to continue doing so.
In total despair, I raised my hands and, through a torrent of tears, screamed, 'Help me. I can't do this on my own!'
I felt everything collapse within me. I had let go of all that I had – my life, my being and even my soul. I had totally surrendered. Maybe it would have been impossible to let go at this level if there had been anything left of me to hang on to. But I felt like there wasn't; I even believed at this time that my son would be better off without me. I didn't surrender to be saved, I did it because there was nothing else to do.
Then it happened. The sensation was undeniable: it felt like my head had parted and a whole heap of stuff was being sucked out of it. Up until that moment I'd felt like a powerless victim. Now I didn't and within seconds I received a download that was so packed with clarity and illumination that there was no missing it. I had never known anything to be so real and true (at that point) in my entire life.
Instantly, I knew exactly why my ex had come into my life and what it had all been about. Then I had the incredible experience of being catapulted into the future. The vision was so real, it was not just like watching a movie; it was if I was there – feeling in every cell of my body what it was like to be happy, confident and free of any pain whatsoever. Then I snapped back into my body in present-time reality. That was enough to know this 'new me' was what lay in store for me.
Previously, I and everyone else I knew had made what had happened to me all about 'him' and 'narcissism'. Never before had I understood that it had anything to do with me personally. Yet now, as I was shown all the correlations and the deep soul-healing reasons as to why he'd had a role in the stage play of my life, I realised it was to help me heal the traumas I'd experienced before even meeting him. There was no shame and pain attached to this self-analysis. Rather, there was an incredible feeling of, 'Oh my God, I never realised – this is the key!'
Seconds later, I emerged from this 'divine download' and I was already changed. I had hope. I had received that vision and I had felt in every cell of my being how the new me, the new Melanie, would feel when she knew how to heal this trauma. I knew the new me of the future would be far superior to the one of the past, including the person I had been before I was narcissistically abused.(Continues…)
Excerpted from "You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse"
Copyright © 2018 Melanie Tonia Evans.
Excerpted by permission of Watkins Media Ltd.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Foreword Dr Christiane Northrup vii
Preface Theresa Cheung x
1 How It All Began 1
Part 1 What is Narcissistic Abuse? 13
2 How Do I know If I Am In a Relationship With a Narcissist? 18
3 Why We Attract Narcissists 33
4 Abuse in Many Forms 46
5 What Happens To You When You Are Abused 51
6 The Vital First Step to Thriving 67
Part 2 The Steps to Healing 79
7 Release the Immediate Pain and Feelings of Loss 85
8 Release the Illusion of This Person as My Source of Self 107
9 Forgive Yourself and Life for What You Have Been Through 117
10 Release and Heal the Pain of Injustice and Betrayal 128
11 Let Go of the Fight to Win and Your Need for Justice 137
12 Release and Heal the Need to Take Responsibility for the Narcissist 148
13 Connect to the Gift of Your Own Spiritual Empowerment 159
14 Release and Heal the Fear of the Narcissist - and Whatever He or She May Do Next 168
15 Release and Heal the Connection to the Narcissist 182
16 Realise Your Liberation, Freedom and Truth 194
Part 3 Healing This Generation, Our Children and Future Generations 207
17 The Personal and Collective Thriver Shift 211
18 Our Most Precious Resource - Our Children 218
19 The Thriver Mission 235
Further Reading 251
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
This is a great book, I highly recommend it!
What an eye-opening book. Take the time to slowly work through the steps for recovery. This is a book which identifies the traits of a narcissist and how to slowly release the abuse and become a full person again. Melanie Evans issues the Thriver Mantra: “whatever happened was for a reason and if you can find out and heal that reason, then not only will this situation never happen to you again, but you will evolve and heal, and your life will improve and expand way beyond how you were living previously – even before the abuse to place.” Isn’t this exactly what anyone who has had a relationship with a narcissist is looking for? Ms. Evans provides descriptions of narcissists. After reading these, I found that I was married to a narcissist. I always thought he was one. However, after years of everything being my fault, being called names and constantly told I was deficient in so many areas, I thought it was me who was inferior. This book helped me to realize that it wasn’t me who was the problem. The second section shows us how to heal from this abuse. It provides steps for ways to learn to put this abuse behind us. Exercises are outlined to help us do such. It is a wonderful guide to healing since the exercises are contained within it. So many books show us what we need to fix but give us no concrete ways to do so. I loved the steps in this book. Go slowly through each of these. You cannot be successful if you rush through and skip actually doing the exercises. I would recommend this book to everyone. All of us know a narcissist. If you are fortunate enough not to be in a relationship with one, help someone else who is: buy them this guide. I received an ARC from NetGalley in exchange for an honest opinion.