From his office at a picnic table next to the Andy Gump outhouse at the Venice Pier, ruthless, 27 year-old college freshman Kurt Stafford practices criminal law and guarantees every client total victory. As long as they keep committing more crimes and pay him daily with cash from each job. Then he might have enough money to avoid the FBI's prosecution for bank theft while also mounting a legal attack against his relentless cousin Lyman in their ongoing legal battle for millions. Kurt's unwitting client list of professional criminals include: * A civil engineer who committed over 2,000 burglaries; * A Cuban expatriate who leaves Kurt a lethal reminder of what to expect if his case is not dismissed; * A freelance mortician who removes murder victims from the crime scene before the police arrive; * And a guy who steals tip jars from Starbucks. They're Kurt's only hope to detour his probable, shackled bus ride to Leavenworth Penitentiary where he'll likely die in a custody within a decade and be buried in a pauper's grave. With just a week to repay the stolen money and with only the help from his unscrupulous girlfriend and the second leading DNA expert in the world, they begin an almost insurmountable battle trying to disprove the results of a 99% DNA match against Lyman's DNA expert: the world s leading authority. Written in the first person with sarcasm and hyperbole, and with bawdy language at times, this is a hilarious satire of a modern-day, ruthless Holden Caulfield, whose motto is: SECOND PLACE IS FOR THE FIRST LOSER.
About the Author
As a Public Defender, the only good thing he ever got from dealing with so many scammers, schemers, and scoundrels was meeting his wife who was a burglary victim of some slimy client he represented. The guy got convicted in less than an hour and spent the next year in jail probably realizing he might've been better off representing himself. Sick of hearing so many clients scream that they were framed and if they had any money they could hire a better lawyer than him, he finally thought they may have been right. So he figured, the hell with that job, and he became a Deputy District Attorney. Since every cop car in town rounded up an endless line of customers to prosecute, his trial experience was extensive. After about five years, he was selected for the Organized Crime Division where he successfully prosecuted the Black Panthers and the Mexican Mafia. Eleven death threats later, he became Head of the Obscenity and Pornography Division for a year where he lost every case since Linda Lovelace and DEEP THROAT set the community standard of decency. Then he was head of he Malibu Branch of the DA's Office where he met almost every A-list celebrity who was a crime victim, with some of them turning out to be bigger crooks than the criminal they accused. He is presently in private law practice in Manhattan Beach, CA.