PONDERINGS ON SHATTERED INNOCENCE: POEMS OF HEARTBREAK, FAITH AND HOPE

PONDERINGS ON SHATTERED INNOCENCE: POEMS OF HEARTBREAK, FAITH AND HOPE

by ADAM RAMI NAZZAL

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Overview

The book came from thoughts and inspirations that occurred to me when I returned to Canada after separating from my wife and three beloved children.
I believe the poems show a progression from utter sadness and despair to acceptance, patience, and hope.
Underpinning all the poetry is an unwavering faith in the Almighty Creator, whose designs and miracles cannot always be fully understood.
I tried to write, too, about the beauty of nature and humanity and, ultimately, about forgiveness. It is sincerely hoped the reader will derive some inspiration or hope through their own paths.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781490712239
Publisher: Trafford Publishing
Publication date: 09/24/2013
Pages: 190
Product dimensions: 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.44(d)

Read an Excerpt

PONDERINGS ON SHATTERED INNOCENCE

POEMS OF HEARTBREAK, FAITH, AND HOPE


By ADAM RAMI NAZZAL

Trafford Publishing

Copyright © 2013 Adam Rami Nazzal
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4907-1223-9



CHAPTER 1

A Lost Land

I look and long for this lost land
I stand in fear, this lonesome man
I look to sights of beauty despaired
Holding on like frightened child scared

Recall the days of long lost friends
The times we laughed and cried
Memories of dear ones left
The distant loves that died

Looking at these dear sights lost
Hollering at shadows gone
I walked them oh so long ago

Did not know alas did not know
Did not see them lost to me
Did not relish beauty deep;
For granted I saw not their truth
Oh shame this battered lost youth

I saw them as my right alone
Never thought transient gone
Did not share these gorgeous thoughts
Illusory intelligence done

My eyes they fill with tears despair
My heart void empty and scared
I see a glimpse, of long lost life
The poses and smiles are gone

I recall days of youth long lost
The hugs and tears the breaks
Recall an innocent young lad
Tarnished by the years of loss

The books I have good company
Who cannot see my heart
No probing question nor reproach
No hidden lies nor art

But now to start and forge ahead
My children's time to move
Yet wisdom must let the blood be changed
Their own destiny to prove

Sitting with this aching head
With fever drawing near
The devil comes to fight with me
Seems endless taunting jeers

My 2 legs stand to support me
Frail knock kneed and weak
What foolish pride to claim some strength
This brave one seems so meek

This burning brow and weakened arms
In silent shouts despaired
Who hears the distant laughs
But do not share their pleas

In patience sit with silent prayers
These tears good company
Possessed by weighty thoughts
That will not set me free

Dear friends who claim, my dire thoughts
Who would not dare share fate
Sincerity they truly show
Bit lips and tongue abate

This silent rage that boils in me
Their release I dare not try
For fear regretful words uttered
Alas reduced to sighs


Invitation

The door is always open
My porch light you'll find on
You can come and visit
Don't have to stay too long

Don't have to give me half your life
Ill only ask a smile
Just to have you say hello
And sit with me a while

I ponder hours with this screen
Fight futility
Will not let vent to screams
Nor accept self pity

I hunger in my soul for thoughts
Words to share, my fate
Searching for wisdom meaning
Patience gone, irate


Frustration

To find a cause I've long fought for
They will not see its end
Who blame accuse scorn and detest
My soul they hope to rend

The words they fall on battered ears
The trust and friendship gone
Lost respect yet more lost love
At times my path so long

Admissions of shame abound
perhaps they're spoke in pain
my errors so they wont forgive
and yet they're blind to pain

But for me I won't relent
Uphill battle welcome
Will not entertain thought to quit
Long battle's just begun.


The Prophet

Oh my lord
Complain I'm weak
Walking alone
On this street

But for this
Near perfect man
My prophet dear
Guide to Iman

He was a man
Like none before
The pangs of death
For us he bore

He was the one
Who this life left
in worldly goods
he chose bereft

His light was here
Truly good sight
With angels dear
He did take flight

He cried in nights
With swollen feet
Loved orphans
protected meek

He prayed for us
With eyes in tears
Intervenes
Protects from fear

to guide this man
to lord's command
to be with him
this blessed man

to have the gift
your face to see
beloved prophet
whose close to me

to try attain
with purity
your vision dear
deepest beauty

and pray dear God
to bless you most
protect from hell
God's pleasure the most

I am the detested
The one they love to hate
No hint of love affection
Just needs to castigate

I'm the one they curse
With slander and with lies
They are unaffected
My solemn tears and cries

I am the unforgiven
For sins they cast on me
My cursed best intentions
They will not glean nor see

I the one with sins to bear
For errors once committed
Will not move beyond those errs
Nor fear the love omitted

My sore eyes
They shed slight tears
Remember a child past
Regrets of wasted years


Old Songs

These old songs I pondered on
In those depths despaired
Old tunes still familiar
Still a child scared

Searching for their wisdom
Behind long hair and drugs
I feel not their emotions
Denied a bitter love

The withered face in pain
Their eyes pensive deep
Outside an illusion
Much wisdom left to seek


Second Chances

When I lost my old wife
I feared my heart was broke
But then I met you dear
Sadness vanished smoke

A beauty I do share with
Who laughs and teases me
For my broken language
My heart is filled with glee

The beauty with the scarf
And brown eyes turning green
The one who shares my homeland
The one of whom I dreamed

A desire for to marry
The one to share my life
Fight hard for patience
Put far behind me strife

The simple task ahead
For to get some work
And sweep you in my arms
I wont let go this search

I long to have you near
And not just on some phone
To hug you every day
No longer face alone

I long to kiss those lips
And hold you oh so tight
Don't ask me to let go
Alas my bitter fright

I pray to be near you
And drive away your tears
5 years you endured
You are my dearest dear

I wish to make you more
Suhair beloved wife
Please allow me that
With you dismiss plight

I dream of the day
You say you love me too
I'll wait these months for it
And chase away sad blues

I dream of the day
To share with you my life
My dear loved habibty
I pray you'll be my wife


Eid 5

On this occasion Eid
I wish to you my dear
A smile painted large
A life of happy tears

On this day I wish to you
I wish for you the best
That smiles light your face
And dreams at your behest

I pray for you my love
That Allah bless your home
From sadness far away
No longer sole alone

And then again I pray
You find that lovely job
May Allah give you rizq
And keep you always glad

A further prayer I add
That please forgive me
For saying want to hug
And fill my heart with glee

My patience seems so short
Your voice so young so sweet
Always think of you
Can't wait till we meet

May Allah give to you
Your dreams and your desire
And keep you far away
From stress or pain or fire

I swear to you my feelings
They are tender and true
With memory your face
To chase away my blues

Do you know intentions
Or how I truly feel
You are a dream come true
For me almost unreal

On this blessed Eid
I pray to God above
That he blesses you
And showers you his love.


Dilemma

I have a problem dear
Perhaps you can help
I gave my heart away
Its In your hands to sell

I have a problem dear
My heart you possess
I don't want it back
Without you cannot rest

I have a problem dear
Declared you are my dream
And Allah witnessed it
Alone without you scream

When tears do flood my eyes
Loneliness around
Your sweet voice lifts me up
I fly off the ground

How I hate the night
When you say goodbye
Wait hours hear your chants
Try hard not to cry

How I dream the day
The day that two turn one
Dream of you my wife
At last restored to fun

Will you be best friend
Will you be my love
Fervent appeal to him
Dearest god above

My conscience it is empty
My heart a barren land
Won't you stand with me
And help me be a man

Oh my dear my love
How I long to kiss those lips
Of course after halal
Then you'll be my bliss


The Lesson

The path of growth is far
With trace of tears new spent
I sought release too fast
With no time to repent

I threw my heart at her
Without a care for me
Guilty as before
Was wrong to feel so free

My ears they closed to advice
My heart stubborn head long
Was I a fool to trust
Was I so very wrong

Oh dear friends they warned
The stubborn one was deaf
Lost old gained new aches pain
Romantic soul bereft

Perhaps my new path learnt
A heart made of dark stone
Won't feel the pangs of grief
No need endure alone

No need to cry at night
Pitiful moan alone
My companion best
He is Allah alone

Will not swallow this grief
This lesson guard it well
A smile fool has learnt
No need to face this hell

And those who pity me
Alas they do not know
In this pain I grow
I do not let sink low

Perhaps one day sweet smile
Sweet smile turn my head
But won't wait for it
Alone prefer to dread

The road to growth so dear
Sometimes it seems so long
Secure in my self love
It couldn't be so wrong

And then apology
I care for it not
What use insincere words
Let that memory rot

And then I'll climb this path
Again I wished wisdom
To grow and learn and fly
My crying days are done....


Night

The beauty of the night
Bewitching dark sincere
The star lit darkened sky
Devoid of pain and fear

The single stars that shine
Beacons in the dark
With cold wind biting air
Majestic bright and stark

The peace of this night
The quietness no sound
In silence feel such peace
Lifted off the ground

Ponder on creation
From He majestic strong
Whose handiwork is this
No need to search for wrong

I walk if only slight
In crisp cool deep beauty
No reprehense nor blame
In a state of glee

What wonder is this night
So pure so deep and strong
Gives proof of his work
His praises oh so long

Indeed I want not more
Self satisfied with him
My cup is not empty
Finally return to him

Oh Allah my dear lord
How can I comprehend
Your wondrous work and this
That which never ends


Special

I miss your eyes
And sweetest voice
I miss the times we spent

I miss the calls
Your accent cute
Your pleas to me of then

I wanted dear
to make you mine
I felt your soul I found

I cried to say goodbye
My dear
Alas tied to the ground

I wanted dear
to visit so
Of that I truly dreamed

Alas alone and without friend
Perhaps you'll feel my screams

I could not ask for you to wait
Truly that's unfair
Never wanted lose you dear
Of that was truly scared

And how is it I could hold on
With nothing left to give
My simple plea and sincere prayer
You will to me forgive

How could I ask you wait so long
My eyes close to tears
I dreamed so much to hold you dear
Protect you from your fears

You are to me a special one
With you I learned to smile
I'm cursed could not be near to you
Alas just a short while

I promise you will not forget
True on me you've grown
But what can I offer you
No house no life no home

I apologize again my dear
My jealous heart was strong
I'm not the sweet one you care for
My patience wasn't long

This I can dear offer you
For you I'll be best friend
You deserve better than me
Thus this poem send

I pray for you in night and day
That Allah bless your heart
If you need me, call I'm here
Inshallah never part

Do you know my dear
How deep and true my love
But what can I offer you
Must wait from God above


Kids

I miss my kids
Their daily smile
With sleepy face
To rest a while

I miss dear kids
Their daily noise
Who sometimes fight
And messy toys

I miss my loves
They're part of me
Won't let that go
Don't seek be free

I miss that one
Hero my babe
Premature
The one so brave

And she princess
Who loves her books
With solitude
And beauty looks

And then there's he
The angel dear
With toys and pets
So far I fear

I long to see
I long to hold
A parent far
Don't feel so bold

Oh how I wish
Exchange a smile
A hug or wink
Merely a while

Oh god I pray
For all them dears
To bless them so
Remove from fears

Dear lord I beg
Put them bove me
What's best for them
My fervent plea

Dear God I know
I ask so much
With providence
They're in your trust

If I could but
Touch them again
My tears erased
So happy then

Oh how I pray
Them forgive me
Until that day
Heart wont be free

Oh dears to me
Belong to God
Accept patience
My prayer not odd

True one day soon
For that I pray
Expectant tears
And patience stay

I swear for them
Donate my heart
Hesitate not
For that to part

My prayers dear
And prayer long
I'll tread this path
And right my wrongs


Of critics

They who insult me
And challenge my self worth
True the challenged ones
Value less than dirt

Who call on me for help
But challenge what I do
Its clear intentions bad
Their humaneness few

Those who treat me like
Some new teacher green
Are they the insecure
In truth I want to scream

I know a waste of time
Understand me not
Like speaker foreign tongue
Let their intentions rot

Will they ever learn
Respect for other ones
For them a concept new
Truly zero sum

What's wrong with this thing man
Respect a foreign foe?
I beg please open eyes
Perchance in this we'll grow


Penance

A word my thoughts to share
Mundane feel not a thing
In sweaters bundled warm
Feel not the urge to sing

The hours spent in vain
With pleas never heard
Alone now common place
Love turned to absurd

Forgiveness know it not
Forgiveness of myself
A critic harsh I am
This story I can't sell

Indeed injury deep
My path I've felt much pain
This self-growth so hard
And story seems so plain

I know from this I'll rise
Perhaps this penance clear
Mend the soul that's broke
Restore to strangers dear


Cold

The air is crisp
With mounting cold
And temperature descend

The wifts of snow
The hidden sun
Warmth temporary end

The barren trees
devoid of leaves
naked bare alone

Sit in guarded house
I'm here
Warmed in heated home

The people all
Bundled with clothes
Features hidden hats

Protect from chills
And save from frost
New memories to last

The walks in cool
Morning air
No strain breath it heaves

With purity
And silence pure
Treading on dead leaves

The majesty
Of it all
Shows purpose so divine

Creator dear
His work so good
So deep and so sublime

The cool it does not bother me
Surrender to his will
Natural progress true it is
Glory lingers still

The spring it is
Not so far
Waiting for rebirth

This life of patience
Self imposed
With him return to mirth

Rejoice in his
Power so great
Of which none compare

Oh dear God
Teach me some more
Its we who are the bare


Anniversary

Today's the day I did
I did wed her mine
At that time dream come true
Alas now counted time

I could not wait for her
Wait for her to hold
Embrace love union one
And now I feel so old

That day she smiled at me
Memory etched in heart
Never dreamed the day
For ourselves to part

That lawyer sweetest voice
With eyes like two moons
My grief it knows no bounds
In this I faint and swoon

Oh how I did, did beg
For her to me forgive
Alas the rarest gem
That she would never give

My tears awash my face
And chest that's seared with pain
A trial self imposed
With only me to blame

I did love her so
Rejoiced in her glance
Hugged resistant one
Refused to join her dance

She my hero dear
Vigil ICU
Who never left his side
Until his troubles few

And she who cared for him
With stoma never cried
And blood spattered face
Strength in hidden eyes

When will she realize
She was my treasure dear
Accused of lies and bad
She never felt my tears

The times proclaimed to her
My wish die in her arms
Alas I failed her so
Did not protect from harm

Todays the day I wed
But now at an end
That cast was set in stone
The destiny to rend

She will not know
Her memory do hold dear
And she will not see
My paths of bloodied tears


Blame

I know too well the ache
The guilty rotten blame
The one accused deceit
The one who's named insane

The pictures I do stare at
Teary and most numb
Memories and regrets
Alas lost days, no fun

And then to add more pain
As if before not enough
The haunting nightmares deep
Cant get some rest enough

I had to move through pain
I had to let it go
If not to self-destruct
Perchance in pain to grow

I had to let her go
To give her peace and rest
More so give me same
My soul seems so bereft

I know now she smiles
Granted her last wish
Heard a million times
Unsavoury poison dish

We move on from this
Not by choice but must
Not good man nor saint
When's self blame enough

She my ex who cut
Cut from me this heart
Shredded bleeding burnt
Thus sentenced to part

I do wish her well
Don't harbour injury deep
And pray forgiveness grows
The meek shall win his sleep


(Continues...)

Excerpted from PONDERINGS ON SHATTERED INNOCENCE by ADAM RAMI NAZZAL. Copyright © 2013 Adam Rami Nazzal. Excerpted by permission of Trafford Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

Contents

Foreword, ix,
A Lost Land, 1,
Invitation, 3,
Frustration, 4,
The Prophet, 5,
Old Songs, 7,
Second Chances, 8,
Eid 5, 10,
Dilemma, 12,
The Lesson, 14,
Night, 16,
Special, 17,
Kids, 19,
Of critics, 21,
Penance, 22,
Cold, 23,
Anniversary, 25,
Blame, 27,
Change, 29,
Yusuf, 30,
New Year, 31,
Old Companion, 33,
Autumn of Love, 34,
Broken Relations, 35,
Cambodia night, 36,
Despised, 38,
Futile Love, 39,
Inner rage, 41,
Missing Kids, 42,
Reminds, 44,
Pounding Head, 46,
Ramadhan at 47, 48,
Ramadhan trial, 50,
Sitting at Home, 52,
Teaching, 54,
The Truth, 55,
Two Weeks, 57,
Weighty Solitude, 60,
Yasmeen, 62,
Closed Night, 63,
Distance, 64,
First Snow, 65,
Forlorn Love, 66,
Forgiveness, 68,
Grudges, 69,
Heart awakened, 71,
Kids 2, 73,
Inspiration, 75,
Inspiration 2, 76,
MRI terrors, 77,
Disease, 80,
Comprehension, 81,
Love Lost, 82,
Used to, 83,
Innocense, 85,
Bed, 86,
Prayers for them, 87,
The Search, 88,
Of Love, 89,
Prayer of the Meek, 91,
Detested, 92,
Head Dress, 93,
Headache, 94,
Invitation, 95,
Lost Land, 96,
Prophet, 98,
Seeking Wisdom, 100,
Unforgiven, 101,
Train, 102,
Machine, 104,
Sat Morn, 105,
Borne Chest, 107,
Old Oldie, 108,
Snow, 109,
Shy Lover, 110,
God, 112,
Dozen Messages, 113,
Shaking Sweat, 114,
Special Gift, 116,
Spring Walk, 117,
New Day 2, 118,
Aisha, 120,
Busy Affection, 121,
Of Hope, 123,
Omar, 125,
Spring, 126,
Cardinal, 128,
Fell in trap, 129,
Mystery, 130,
Planes, 132,
Blonde, 133,
Spring Showers, 134,
Bus, 135,
Losing love, 136,
Beggar's Pizza, 137,
Yusuf's Accident, 139,
Crow, 141,
Birthday, 143,
Curly Hair, 144,
Depth of Despair, 145,
Comparison, 146,
Aisha's Dream, 147,
Angel's Passing, 148,
A Rose, 149,
Autumn 20, 150,
Cats and Dogs, 151,
Questions, 152,
Connecticut, 154,
2013, 155,
9:30 PM, 156,
Denise, 157,
Hearts Lock, 158,
Music, 159,
Rocky Heart, 160,
Solemnity, 161,
Graduation, 162,
Hauntings, 163,
Old Poet, 164,
Prophet, 165,
Cold, 166,
Foolish Repetition, 167,
Again, 168,
Night's Darkness, 169,
Screaming, 170,
Chaos, 172,
Ramadhan 2013, 173,
Of Love, 174,
Ponderings, 175,
My Three Angels, 176,

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