Marital Intelligence

Marital Intelligence

by Gil Stieglitz


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Marital Intelligence, subtitled “A foolproof guide for saving and supercharging marriage,” is based on thousands of hours of marital counseling and observation by the author. Stieglitz is a counselor, speaker, mentor, professor, and leadership consultant based in Roseville, Calif. He is currently a professor at Western Seminary, a district superintendent for the Evangelical Free Church of America, and a church consultant for Thriving Churches International. He also directs his own ministry, Principles to Live By.
Stieglitz says there are only five problems in marriage: (1) Ignoring needs; (2) Immature behaviors, (3) Clashing temperaments, (4) Competing relationships, and (5) Past baggage. With each issue, he carefully and consistently lays out biblical teaching on the subject, and then includes helpful anecdotes, solutions, and self-tests to help the reader.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780884692652
Publisher: BMH Books
Publication date: 02/16/2010
Pages: 278
Product dimensions: 5.40(w) x 8.40(h) x 0.70(d)

About the Author

Dr. Gil Stieglitz is a prolific author, engaging speaker, change-directing catalyst, encouraging pastor, dynamic professor, insightful counselor, and relentless leadership coach. He now serves as discipleship pastor at Bayside Church, a dynamic multi-site church on the north side of Sacramento, Calif. He is also the president of Principles to Live By, a parachurch organization committed to causing as many people possible to live by God’s amazing principles. He and his wife, Dana, enjoy a ridiculously delightful life in Northern California. For more information, visit

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments i

How to Use this Book iii

Introduction: There Are Only Five Problems in Marriage 3

Problem #1 Ignoring Needs

Overview 9

Marital Intelligence Test 15

Becoming a Loving Husband 18

Honor 18

Understanding 19

Security 21

Building Unity 23

Agreement 25

Nurture 27

Defender 33

Becoming a Loving Wife 35

Respect 36

Adaptation 38

Domestic Leadership 40

Intimacy 42

Companionship 44

Attractive Soul and Body 46

Listening 48

Summary of the Problem of Ignoring Needs 52

Problem #2 Immature Behaviors

Overview 57

SAD Behaviors 60

Marital Intelligence Test 62

Typical Immature Behaviors 65

The Consequences of Immature Behaviors 79

Eight Solutions to Immature Behaviors 80

Solution #1 Stop Acting in Immature Ways 80

Solution #2 Make Real Apologies 81

Solution #3 Have Alignment Conversations 85

Solution #4 Thoughtful Requests 87

Solution #5 Add More Love 89

Solution #6 Change an Immature Behavior 91

Solution #7 Confrontational/Clarifying Conversation 94

Solution #8 Patience and a Change of Focus 96

Immature Behaviors Inventory 98

Summary of the Problem of Immature Behaviors 99

Problem #3 Clashing Temperaments

Overview 103

Marital Intelligence Test 107

Male and Female Characteristics 110

Temperament Assessments 118

Myers-Briggs Temperament Types 119

Four Ancient Temperament Types 126

Five Love Languages 131

Summary of the Problem of Clashing Temperaments 137

Problem #4 Competing Relationships

Overview 143

Marital Intelligence Test 147

Prioritized Relationships 150

The Big Three 155

Finances 155

Work/Career 162

Family/Children 166

Summary of the Problem of Competing Relationships 178

Problem #5 Past Baggage

Overview 183

Marital Intelligence Test: 185

Type 1 Victimization 188

Healing Abuse, Wounds, and Victimization 188

Steps to Forgiveness 191

Type 2 Family and Cultural Programming 203

Early Childhood Programming 205

Cultural Influences and Commandments 209

Type 3 Past Actions 213

Summary of the Problem of Past Baggage 220

Conclusion 225


Appendix #1 Full Marital Intelligence Test 233

Appendix #2 Scoring the Full Marital Intelligence Test 245

Appendix #3 Recreational Companionship Ideas 247

End Notes 251

Bibliography 257

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